i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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