im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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