I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize