Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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