Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize