I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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