My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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