What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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