I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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