You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
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Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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