I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
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You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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