WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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