At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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