The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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