he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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