I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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