Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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