Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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