if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize