roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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