I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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