i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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