He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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