if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
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Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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