I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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