If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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