She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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