Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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