but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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