Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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