you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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