So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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