trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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