his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize