Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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