I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
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I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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