There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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