i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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