dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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