you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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