he puts the penis in happiness.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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