I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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