just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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