You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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