Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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