he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
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There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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